Getting your kids to work together

I recently had a conversation with some friends about getting their two daughters to work together. Some background on their kids... they have two daughters, ages eleven and six. The issue they're having is getting them to work together to clean their room WITHOUT arguing.

So here's what mom and dad have done in the past...
*Dad, tells the girls to clean their room. The result is that eventually one or both of the girls comes out of the room complaining about something.
*So Dad changed his strategy. He tells the girls to clean their room and tells them that no one is allowed to leave the room until the room is clean. So then dad closes the door and waits for the girls to be done. But eventually, (after just a few minutes) he hears arguing.
*So another change in strategy (and this one I actually liked). Dad then divided up the chores so that each girl had a specific chore to do. Dad explained to the girls that they only need to concentrate on their own individual tasks and not worry about what the other person was doing (awesome! way to go dad!). He even made a list and put it up on their bedroom wall. Well, the arguing continued.
*And so dad's last resort was to give each girl 30 minutes to clean their room, separately. To which I said, great idea. I guess I spoke too soon because that said, now they argued about who got to clean first and hearing... "Why do I have to clean first?" and "I cleaned first yesterday."
Wow! Dad really had some great ideas! Unfortunately, kids will always find a way to keep you on your toes. Oh, another issue to tie in with this is that mom and dad have different views on using reinforcements. Mom is more for using positive reinforcements, while dad is more for using punishment (not physical).
*Positive Reinforcement - rewarding good/expected behavior. *Punishment (never in a physical sense) - taking away something that the child perceives as valuable in order to decrease a certain behavior.
My suggestions to them...

*Work out a reward system in which each child will receive a reward after fully completing her chores. This appeals to both mom and dad because for one it is positive. But also has a punishment factor for dad because if a child does not complete her chores then she gets to watch the other receive her reward. Mom is willing to try this out. But dad was not too sure. He thinks that children should just do as they're told. I agree, but then again that would be in a perfect world with perfect children.
*The other suggestion I had for them was the "token economy" and to use stickers such as stars as tokens. Apparently this had also been suggested by the older child (smart kid). And apparently dad had already shot down this idea. But I did explain to him why it was a good idea for his girls, but to no avail.
*So my last suggestion was to ignore the bad/unwanted behavior. And no I don't mean plugging your ears and saying "la la la... I don't hear you... la la la". What i mean is not succumbing to the drama. If a child comes out of that room complaining about something the other one did or did not do, just take it for what it is and tell the child to work it out amongst themselves. Instead of trying (and failing) to fix the situation. I told mom and dad that their girls are smart. I tell them not to fall into the "fix it or correct it" mode every time there's an argument. Let them work it out themselves.
Ok, so I guess we'll have to stay tuned to see if mom and dad follow any of my suggestions. Oh and one last but oh so important note... I told mom and dad how important it is to "follow through"!!!! I've talked about the importance of this concept many times. PARENTS PLEASE FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

Been a while....

I have been MIA for a couple of months. It has been a pretty busy few months for me. Therefore, I have not had too much time to devote to blogging. Well, I'm back and hopefully I can blog on a regular basis. Well we'll see.

Don't underestimate your child's abilities...

The one advice I always give to new clients' parents is to not underestimate their child's abilities. I can't say how many times I've heard "oh my child can't do that" or "my child's not ready for that" or "are you sure my child's ready for that?". And my comment back is almost always "yes, he/she is ready". Often the reason why a child cannot perform a particular skill or display a desired behavior is due to fact that they have not ever performed it. For example, parents will often just dress their child because it's easier and quicker. Or perhaps they will choose not bring their child to the store because of behaviors. Therefore, how do parents know if their child can do it. And more importantly, if the child does not perform the skill or practice the desired behavior they are not learning. In addition, I am all for "pushing the envelope". Once I see progress in a certain skill or behavior I'm all for moving past the next step. For instance, if I see a child is able to put together a 10 piece puzzle with ease, I will move past the 20 piece and go straight to the 40 piece. The child will most likely have a harder time, but that's good because you're building those skills. And it will be an opportunity to work on other skills such as patience, concentrating, asking for help, etc... But note that even though I am advocating "pushing the envelope" it is important to work within your child's capabilities and strengths.

Been a while...

Life's been a little busy and hectic for me, hence my absence in blogging. I'm still trying to figure out how to schedule some blogging time. When I figure it out, my blogs will be more frequent.

Independence and Resposibility... that's what we're working towards.

I just had to post this because I am so happy! One of the skills we're working on with E is resposibility. Her glasses is her responsibility and she must wear them whenever she's at school, reading, doing homework, while watching televesion and during therapy sessions. It has been a long road in getting her used to wearing her glasses. She has had sensory issues in the past with not wanting anything on her face. But we worked on it and every session she is told to wear her glasses. Mom and dad have also been proactive in telling her to wear her glasses during the appropriate times. And today... well today I showed up and she was already wearing her glasses. And according to mom, she didn't even have to tell her to put them on. Yaaay E!

A bit of advice for parents...

I know I've blogged about not wanting to give advice or suggestions on this blog because I want to just blog about my experiences. But I've had several parents (parents of children with Autism and parents of "normal abled" children) ask me about confronting challenging behaviors. So here is what I usually tell them...

Behaviors occur for a reason. In order to better understand the behavior, you must first figure out what caused the behavior. For example, a child screaming and crying at the grocery store because mom would not let her have candy. The cause of the behavior is obvious, she wanted candy and couldn't have it. So the screaming and crying occured (the behavior). Therefore, the consequence is that now, mom is frustrated and therefore gives in and gives the child the candy. The next time mom and child visit the store, the same behavior occurs. What I tell parents, is that they are unknowingly reinforcing that challenging behavior by giving in and giving the candy. Because, let's think about it in the child's point of view... I want candy... mom won't let me have candy... so I will cry and scream and mom will eventually give me the candy. There, mom has unknowingly reinforced the challenging behavior.

My advice to parents is that if you know this behavior will most likely occur, talk to your child prior to going out. While still at the house, or in the car, let your child know what is expected of them. Tell your child how you want him/her to behave while in the store. And parents this is important... you might still have to give them candy. But instead of rewarding the challenging behavior, reward the good (expected) behavior. So if necessary, tell your child if he/she behaves while at the store, he/she may have a piece of candy. And the most important part of this is for parents to FOLLOW THROUGH. Which means if your child does not display the appropriate behavior, then you must deal with behavior that will most likely occur when he/she does not get the candy. Behaviors will most likely increase because your child will not be used to this type of response from you. But have faith that the intervention will work.

Great Game for teaching skills.

This is one of my favorite games to use during therapy sessions.